If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
You Might Also Like
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy