I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
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“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Can Happiness buy money?
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.