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An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.