Kids: Stay in school.
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No one: I can hear screaming
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.