Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
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It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
paddle faster i hear baby shark
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no