Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
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When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?