New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
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Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
next level snooze
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.