Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
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This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
Sign at work today
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.