Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
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me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.