*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
You Might Also Like
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad