CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
You Might Also Like
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
Beauty and the Beast
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food