[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
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@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov