men, we mow at sunrise.
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Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back