Now, where’s the sport in that?
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No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
“You’d better run, egg!”
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”