The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
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What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Breaking news:
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.