peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
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3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.