If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
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20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
These aren’t even hard anymore.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.