One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
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me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait