Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
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Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
when someone compliments me
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
My wedding will be open casket.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.