Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
You Might Also Like
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
Ah..makes sense now
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed