I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
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The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
🤯🤯🤯
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.