When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
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Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
Your honor these allegations are
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*