Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
You Might Also Like
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break