The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
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* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.