Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
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[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.