BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
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I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
Basketball
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
are they though??
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
called in thicc to work this morning
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude