If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
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Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes