Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
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My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!