Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
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[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep