No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
You Might Also Like
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
texting my friend “why’s there a firetruck at ur house” while he’s boarding a plane to Europe
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
If the government wants me to work so bad then they should give me a job at the unemployment office
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Me: When you hear hoof beats, think horses not zebr —[trampled by herd of bison]
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
My friend is an excellent librarian.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.