I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
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Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*