When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
You Might Also Like
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
My plans: 2020:
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Are these grass-fed oranges?
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm