What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
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Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.