Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
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You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.