My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
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I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
The options really are this bad
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.