Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
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vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?