If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
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Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist