One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
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Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
twitter is a journey
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.