Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
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Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
termite twitter scares me
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.