With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
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Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
is there nothing we can trust anymore
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline