grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
You Might Also Like
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.