What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
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The Backseat Boys
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never