You Might Also Like
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
This is a true ally.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn