Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
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the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)