me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
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Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
[montage of me giving-up]
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
wait.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?