Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
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[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
#NoRestForTheWicked
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Nothing.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.