Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
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Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”