Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
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Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.