Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
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White Castle for the Win
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.