Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
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genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69